On Getting It Together
By Gene Aronowitz
The year 2015 was particularly challenging for me. I had two operations on my eyes and had both knees replaced. I was very concerned and upset about my medical issues, but to make matters considerably worse, I was watching the presidential campaigns of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump get into high gear. Clinton declared her candidacy in April, and Donald Trump did so in June. The campaign quickly became ugly. Its tone was exceptionally divisive; people were taking sides, and political polarization was intense. I found the widespread animosity between the candidates and their supporters to be quite regrettable. I felt a need to do what I could to diminish the rancor that characterized political discussions. That’s when I created Simple Civility, a Facebook group, hoping it would enable people on opposite sides of the political spectrum to engage in civil, respectful communication. However, that proved to be much more difficult than I had thought it would be.
Since then, I have devoted considerable effort to encouraging people to communicate with others with whom they disagree by listening carefully and thoughtfully and by commenting with civility, kindness, courtesy, and respect. However, many people assume that their view of a situation is the only "right" one and that anyone’s alternative views are loathsome. When such judgmental people confront me with strong political beliefs and I sense they are committed to their position, I often acknowledge what they’ve said and respond as calmly as possible with, “I think differently.” Sometimes, they back off, diminishing the tension. But sometimes they can’t let it go, which leads me to believe civil discussion is unlikely. In such cases, I often nod and remain silent. If I sense relief, such as a shrug or a nod, I try to change the subject to something innocuous or, preferably, to a topic on which we can agree. Arguing with them, or worse, getting angry, can only make matters worse.
I recently came across a statement about anger that resonated with me. It was an answer from an unnamed Saint to the question “What is anger?” The answer was “It is a punishment we give to ourselves, for somebody else’s mistake.” The Saint must have been affected, as I am, by the behavior of Jesus during his crucifixion. Jesus had plenty of antagonists that day and on preceding days, but in Luke 23:34, he reportedly said to God, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." He saw their egregious behavior as a mistake and was asking God to heal them.
Perceiving a person making a mistake, as innocuous as that may sound, can still make a person angry. The way people see events depends on the aspect of the event they experience, their perception of the people involved, and what they bring to the experience. Different cultural backgrounds, beliefs, values, and biases are the lenses through which we interpret events, making each person’s interpretation distinctive. They can interpret the mistakes they perceive as either benign or malevolent. The latter can lead to anger.
The Saint indicated that when angry, people could experience their own anger as a form of punishment. I believe that’s true. In the short term, heart rates can increase, blood pressure can rise, breathing can become quick and shallow, tension can develop with fists clenching and jaws tightening, and digestion can slow down.
Repeated or sustained anger can also have long-term effects. Stress hormones are released, increasing the possibility of heart attacks, high blood pressure, and strokes. Chronic digestive issues can also result, leading to stomach pain and conditions like irritable bowel syndrome or acid reflux. Continued anger can also increase tension and trigger headaches, leading to poor sleep and even insomnia. And finally, failure to manage anger on a repeated basis can lead to increased anxiety and even depression. So yes, the Saint had a point: anger can be punishing to the angry person.
Another statement about anger I recently read captivated me. It was written by Joseph Campbell, a renowned expert in comparative mythology. Campbell studied myths from various cultures, identifying common themes that recur across them. Myths guide people in their quest to discover who they want to be and how they want their lives to be. Campbell’s statement read, “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” That statement resonated with me because I frequently woke up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep. I would ruminate on these personal conflicts. My habit was to listen to a non-conflictual podcast and then hope that I could fall back asleep. But the night after I read Joseph Campbell's statement, I thought about how my middle-of-the-night ruminations stemmed from the fact that elements of my life often didn't go the way I expected. I clearly needed to let go of how I wanted things to be and deal with the way things were developing. As mentioned above, I often advise others to engage in respectful communication with others with whom they are in conflict. That night, I realized that I should also talk to myself, civilly and respectfully, about my own internal conflicts.
I often ruminated about my unfulfilled expectations. My biggest one is to do what Jesus does. Jesus was the channeled source of my psychological/spiritual path, A Course in Miracles. He has become a primary role model. I study his teachings, try to apply them, and try to adopt both his behavior, as I understand it, and his manner of thinking as models for my own behavior and thinking. A striking example of his capabilities is how he experienced his own crucifixion. I believe he did so peacefully, without anger or condemnation. The way that I think Jesus dealt with his crucifixion is a model of how I can react without anger and condemnation to far less provocative situations in my life.
However, even when dealing with seemingly minor provocations, I still find it challenging to live up to Jesus’ example. I don’t think that lowering my expectations is the answer. Rather, I want to spend the rest of my life following Jesus’ example. I try hard, but I am usually unsuccessful, which is why I was so touched by a statement I recently read by the late Thomas Merton, an American Trappist monk, author of more than 50 books, and a social activist: "We do not want to be beginners. But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners, all our life!" Of course, I am a beginner in almost every aspect of my life —a sobering thought, since I am now 88 years old. I think it’s about time to get it together.
A version of this memoir is included in the book 23 More Memoirs.