The Automated Attendant
By Gene Aronowitz
Thank you for your call. We are here to serve you with love, care, and efficiency.Because we have recently cut costs to maximize profits, trying to satisfy the demands of our rather greedy Board of Directors, you may find your wait time much longer than usual. Your call is particularly important to us and will be answered in the order in which it was received. All calls will be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes. Please do not think that this means that we believe our employees are not doing their jobs or we do not trust you, our customers.
To get started, please say or enter your date of birth, two digits for the month, two digits for the day, and four digits for the year. You might find it puzzling that we have asked you to use two digits for the month and day since the numbers one through nine are only one digit long, but that’s the only way our very cheap phone system can understand what you mean.
Thank you. You have entered zero-six-zero-five-one-nine-three-nine. That’s June fifth, nineteen thirty-nine. If this is correct, say or press one. If not, say or press two.
Thank you for accurately entering your date of birth. That doesn’t happen every time. Because we appreciate your patronage, and since you may experience an extended wait time, we will play a medley of songs from 1955, which is when you would have been an adolescent. Our telephone system has a call-back feature in case you want to avoid what might be an exceptionally long wait time. We can call you back at a time that is convenient for you. A call-back might be a good choice since music from 1955 is very primitive rock and roll and a little irritating to yours truly. Too bad you were not born a little later; music in the 60s was splendid. To use our call-back feature, say or press one. To wait your turn, say or press two.
Thank you. You have selected our call-back feature. If that is correct, say or press one. If not, say or press two.
Thank you. If you wish to be called back today, please say or press one. If you prefer some other day, please say or press two.
OK, you do not want to be called back today. If this is correct, say or press one. If not, say or press two.
Thank you. Now, enter the date you wish us to call you, two digits for the month, and two digits for the day. Sorry again for the two-digit requirement.
Thank you. You have selected tomorrow. Since your inputs have been exceptionally accurate up until now, we will no longer ask you to confirm your entry. To continue, if you want to use regular time, say or press one. If you want to use military time, say or press two.
OK, you selected regular time. Please enter the time you wish to be called using two digits for the hour, two digits for the minutes, the letter a or p depending on whether it is a.m. or p.m., and the letter e, c, m, or p depending on whether you are in the Eastern, Central, Mountain, or Pacific time zone.
Thank you. If you’d prefer to converse in English, say or press one, Spanish, two, French, three, German, four, Italian, five, Mandarin, six, Japanese, seven, Urdu, eight, or Hindi, nine. If your language has not been listed, pick the one closest to the language you speak.
Thank you. Now, I’d like to take a moment for a brief attitude check. If you’ve lost your temper, or are about to, say or press one. If you’ve managed to maintain equanimity, say or press two.
Glad to hear that. The talk around the office is that I can get on people's nerves. To continue, say or enter your phone number, three-digit area code first, and then the other seven digits. It's unnecessary to input a one at the beginning, and please, please, do not leave any spaces.
Sorry, the number you entered is not in our database. If your phone number has changed, please say or press one. If you will be using someone else’s phone, please say or press two. If you think our database is mistaken, which, believe me, is not out of the question, please say or press three.
Thank you. Since you entered the fact that you have changed your phone number. I can transfer you to our Technical Assistance Department, where you can update your contact information. If you wish to be transferred, say or press one. If you wish to wait your turn while listening to 1955 classics, say or press two. If you have forgotten what you wanted and wish to end the call, say or press three. If you wish to enter our lottery to be able to speak with a live person within the next half hour, say or press four, followed by a pound sign and the numbers five, six, four, nine, two, two, nine, eight, four, one, one, six.
Thank you. I understand you wish to wait your turn and listen to music. Fine choice. Your call is particularly important to us and will be answered in the order in which it was received. All calls will be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes.
